Social Media Buttons

Description

WRITER, CONSULTANT AND BROADCASTER SPECIALISING IN BEER, PUBS AND CIDER. BEER WRITER OF THE YEAR 2009 AND 2012

What's new?

What's new?
Next beer book - now called 'Miracle Brew' - is finished! You can still subscribe to it here.
You can still listen to The Apple Orchard on BBC iPlayer radio
I'm taking the pub on tour - four dates between now and Christmas.
>

Monday, 25 January 2016

If you think you're a pub and... (with apologies to Rudyard Kipling)


If you think you're a pub and you try to ‘up-sell’ someone by forcing your staff to ask ‘Would you like some crisps or nuts with that?’ every time someone orders a pint,

If you think you are solving the problem of bar staff motivation and retention by ‘empowering’ your zero hours, minimum wage, untrained staff simply by referring to them as ‘colleagues,’

If you advertise free WiFi but ‘free’ turns out to mean ‘free for 20 minutes and then you pay,’

If you pour a pint for a customer that foams over the sides of the glass so vigorously that you have to wash your hands after pouring it, but you expect your customer to pick up the soaking glass from its puddle, knowing their hands will get wet and sticky, but not giving a shit about that,

If you advertise ‘craft beers’ and offer Peroni or Amstel to those who ask for them,

If you refer to yourself as a ‘Beer House’[1], ‘bar and kitchen’, ‘cellar and eatery’, ‘Ale dispensary and hob’ or any other similar term because you think you’re better than a mere pub,

If you charge more than £5 for a pint of beer without being able to tell the customer why it costs that much,

If you think the brand is more important than the guv’nor,

If you have keypads on the doors to the toilets because you’re so paranoid about walk-ins using the loos without buying a drink that you’re prepared to humiliate your customers by making them come to the bar to ask for the code,

And if, the code secured, your customer opens the door to the bogs and reels back physically from the ammonia stench of stale urine burning their nostrils from urinals that haven’t been cleaned for days,

Then you don't have the first clue about what matters to the earth nor anything in it , and - which is more - you ain't no pub, my son!




[1] For example, in a train station such as London Waterloo or Paddington.

7 comments:

@TheAleLady said...

A.Fuppin'.Men.

PhilS said...

This was clearly written when absolutely hammered. I agree with most of the sentiments though so top marks you old soak!

Gastronomix said...

The ones at transport hubs are all owned and operated by the same company that operates/franchises most of the surrounding units. I suspect that they can see trends and bandwagons but have no interest beyond maximising revenue. Shame as they give those who do care a bad name.

Professor Pie-Tin said...

Well at least Pete didn't get involved in a memorabilia-based kerfuffle with security this time ...

Mel said...

Someone's had a bad experience recently! Can I add...?

If you have a puddle-free toilet

If you have tables that don't wobble

If you have a hand-dryer that works

Etc

Anonymous said...

Hi Pete
I believe in a number of your blog posts, over quite some time now, you have generally advocated a certain level of fuzziness/uncertainty over the definition of that which is 'craft'. Generally, I'm with you on that. But we do have to recognise that this ... "If you advertise ‘craft beers’ and offer Peroni or Amstel to those who ask for them," ... is one of the unforeseen/unwanted consequences of taking a more relaxed approach to not wanting formal definition for 'Craft Beer'.
You see, you may just be part of the problem.

Henry said...

Great article :)! Thank you for sharing it Pete :)