After a slow start to the year, notable only for a combined team of scientists from CERN, MIT and NASA discovering the true definition of craft beer, things hot up when the AB-Inbev/SABMiller deal finally goes through. The new combined entity decides to cut to the chase and announces its purchase of the entire continent of Europe, with Carlos Brito declaring himself President. All beer apart from Stella Artois and Becks is immediately banned.
In a desperate move, BrewDog launches Equity for Punks X and raises $100 trillion for a hostile takeover. As President Brito is making his President’s Question Time debut in the House of Commons, James Watt and Martin Dickie drive a tank into the chamber and announce that the National Anthem will be replaced by the Sex Pistols’ God Save the Queen. The Daily Mail gets confused as to whether to launch a vicious smear campaign against BrewDog for being disrespectful and challenging authority, or Jeremy Corbyn for refusing to sing the punk anthem, and self-combusts.
Brito doesn’t go down without a fight and launches weapons of mass destruction inside parliament, but because they’ve been made with the cheapest ingredients possible, they don’t work properly. Chemical weapons hit the toilets, and from the green haze emerges the dishevelled figure of Greg Mulholland, wearing his underpants over his suit. Realising the chemical soup has at last given him the superpowers he craves, Mulholland dispatches Brito before laying waste to the nation’s PubCos, reducing them to rubble with his laser eyes and thunderous voice. Anti-PubCo campaigners continue to blame Punch and Enterprise for pub closures anyway.
Against the backdrop of a declining beer market overall, cask ale volume rises by 0.3%.